Are you sure about that?

My father used to tell me that the mind is a muscle.  Consequently, I didn’t always know that calling someone a “meat head” was an insult.  What brings this wisdom to mind are my current thoughts and ideas about learning.  Particularly, the learning and unlearning of “the self.”

When I was in my early 20’s, a friend was introducing me to his church pastor. Now, in Black Church, pastors are a big deal.  They be the reason folks come to hear about Jesus.  A church person may “at me” over that statement, but it’s not a lie to say that if the pastor is dry, folk ain’t comin, periodt.  Anyway, that particular pastor was the big deal of a church that was an up-and-coming big deal in the black church hierarchy, at the time. On some level, I’m sure I was awe struck.  I very likely didn’t feel “worthy” of meeting “The Pastor!” at the time.

When the worship service ended, my friend told me to hang back. After interacting with several lines of people the right reverend made his way to me with outstretched arms, a tight fade, and a wide welcoming smile. I was unnerved.  He struggled to make eye contact with me because I deftly evaded it by looking everywhere except his face.  The carpet was fabulous.  Stained glass windows were breathtaking as an art form, even with smiling white Jesus. Quite soon, he asked me, “What’s the matter? Does my breath stink?”

I was horrified at the question.  Somehow, I heard him saying I was accusing him of something.  I went from being stricken with awe to being stricken with embarrassment and mild panic. “What?! Oh my, God! No, sir. I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s me; I’m just shy.”

He immediately straightened and looked at me like he had just heard the most confounding statement of his years. Pastor paused, narrowed his eyes, then asked me very directly, “Who told you that?” To date, that is THE BEST question anyone has ever asked me.  I liken it to Old Testament God’s question to Adam, “Who told you you were naked?”

When I began the process of building myself, it was important to not only know the labeling of each part of me and how it fit, but how they came to be labeled and if a part needed to be there at all. To do this, I had to set some of those labels aside.  Before casting “shy” away though, I needed to find out what it meant. 

And this returns me to the learning and unlearning of self. Before I could stop being shy, I had to learn what that meant beyond being afraid to talk to people.  Was it all the time or situational?  All people, or some people.  If some people, which people – also why and when. It didn’t take long before patterns emerged that showed me “shy” wasn’t my default personality trait.  My shyness was most often due to a lack of confidence in my knowledge, ability, or being accepted by others. Fear, by all other names stinks as bad. Sprinkle in (or drizzle, if you prefer) the times I may have self-sabotaged by relying on the outward perception of shyness.  That looks like expecting and relying on other people to speak on my behalf. Expecting or relying on other people to recognize and fulfill a need or desire. I missed out on a lot of life until I learned that “shy” didn’t apply to me at all.

I appreciate the mind as a muscle metaphor because some of the wisdom on how to deal with muscles can be applied when changing one’s thinking.  A good muscle is not only strong, but flexible.  To become strong, the muscle needs resistance; to become flexible, it requires stretching. So also, goes the mind.  Our minds can use the resistance we experience when learning new ways of being to become stronger.  They become more flexible as we expand them with new ideas about ourselves and others.

Now, I’d love to tell you that the road between me avoiding eye contact during interactions and me talking into a camera was short, paved with cushions, and adorned with day lilies; but, alas, I am no liar. That shit was mad long and crazy, but every step of the journey was and continues to be worth it.

Are you working with learning or unlearning things about yourself, your habits, or patterns?  What label has been ascribed to you by some well-meaning person in your life that kinda misses the mark on how you see yourself? Maybe there was something in here that felt like an invitation to go through your own internal labels to see which one’s were written by you, and which were written for you. Either way, whatever you don’t like or doesn’t fit, you can certainly change.  

If you’d like to talk with me about how to work some of that out, send me a message!